we have pet lesbian snakes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
