So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
