Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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