I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
