Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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