Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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