My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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