Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
