my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
