How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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