He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize