Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize