P.S. I can't hear my feet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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