still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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