I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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