You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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