What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
