Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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