Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Welp...herpes.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
