im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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