I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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