M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
