I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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