Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
