I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
