i already hear my dad disowning me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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