I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
