the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
