Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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