I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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