dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
