Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Soap is not a condiment
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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