How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
