Well apparently he's into motor boating.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize