He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
