my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
