Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
