I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
