That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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