Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
