The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
