Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
