I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You took a bar mat shot.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
