Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Help me help you realize you are a moron
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize