my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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