I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
