you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize