Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
