I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
