this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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