O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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