Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
