Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So squirting runs in the family.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
