So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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