I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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