She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize