I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
