May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize