my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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