I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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