Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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