I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
