well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
