dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
