Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
