Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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