i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
